Belonging and the social web

This week I have been learning lots about the human need to belong.   An inherent desire, we all instinctively want to be a part of a greater body or group, and although different people have different solitude tolerances our psyches are fundamentally wired to have social interaction.  Like food or water, we depend on it to live healthy, balanced lives.  We would get sick without it.

Loneliness

What is this sickness?  Loneliness.  I’m currently reading  Loneliness:  Human nature and the need for social connection, which has some fascinating insights about what happens to our brains when we feel lonely.  Being lonely or being rejected actually causes us physical pain medically.  Physical pain that can have all kinds of side effects like weight gain, sleep deprivation, irrational, emotional and often angry behaviour because we are not getting the level of social connection we fundamentally require from other human beings.  It’s our body’s way of telling us that something is wrong and its why, when you don’t get the attention you desire, you can find yourself hurling abuse at your loved one – when all you really want is for them to hold you.  Being lonely really does hurt.  So, like any other pain, it’s instinct to try and find ways to fulfill that need.  How do we do that?  We attempt to connect with people.

This can however, be an intimidating thing to do – even for something as natural as social connection.  Because rejection can intensify the pain even more so and that is a big risk to consider and can put us off ever having those initial conversation through fear of not fitting in or being accepted.    It’s scary stuff.

Figuring out where you fit in

Community is ancient.  Coming together over a shared locale or interest is part of our human nature. I grew up in a small town with local paper which was basically an awesome gossip rag that every week would give you the lowdown on anything that was notable in the town.   You did your social research and it gave you the information to form the basis of your conversation and it gave you ideas of other shared interests you could build your connections around.

Now, its all right there online.   The Social Web has made it easier to make new connections through Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook we can find out what the news is, what people are interested in and we can have the interaction right there and then.

I have some great people in my life in different places all over the world, but I have struggled to ever find somewhere I truly felt like I belonged, both in terms of physical place and social group.  I’ve jumped between groups and re-invented myself on several occasions (particularly as a teenager, indie, emo, sporty, you name the scene – I probably tried it).    When I was younger it was fun – finding out about a new scene, or being smart about getting the gossip on an attractive group to help break the circle and get in with them.

When I moved to Sydney from London the task of finding a whole new social network was huge, but with all these new tools on the web it is interestingly when I have met most likeminded, interesting people in a relatively short amount of time.  Despite the fact everyday I am conscious I am in a foreign country and everything is just a little bit different, I think I might feel like I belong here.

And now we can make friends without actually having to speak or meet anyone in person!

Not only does it make it easier for us to find out more, the social web also gives us the protection to test the water in a little less of a scary way.  We can put our voice out there online without the same fear no-one will listen or respond as in real life, because if no-one does, it doesn’t really matter.  But if you say something good, then they can publicly give you positive feedback of acceptance.

The other great thing about testing the waters of a social group online is that you don’t have the physical worries or pressures you would in real life.  You can hide from home, on your laptop with no make up on and your crappest 1990s band t-shirt.  You can be yourself without worrying what you look or sound like.  You can truly just be yourself and unlike face to face social interaction where appearance is key, online you are much more likely to be judged first of all by what you say.   That is a pretty powerful human benefit and changes the social playing field significantly.

Are we getting addicted to new connections?

But has the web has made it all a bit easy?  Are we all getting addicted to the buzz of breaking into new social groups?  Like the thrill of a first kiss.  But we are not prepared to invest the time or the effort required for long term commitment.  Traditionally, the locality of our towns and families meant that in order to feel like a valued member of the community we had to be there dealing with the good and the bad over the long term, now we can just find another facebook page or Twitter hashtag conversation and all too easily, a whole new batch of potential social connections is right there in front of us.

What can we learn from this?

I’m fascinated about how the web has played around with this part of human nature, but there are some clear opportunities here too.  I very much like the thought referenced by Jye Smith in his blog where he talks about his desire to bring people together through common interests.

For me, in this age of online social connection possibility, can brands package up the hardwired need to belong and create shared interest communities to deliver that benefit?  Some people are saying that community is just the next big fad.  But I just wonder whether something so intregral to our human psyches can really be a passing trend?  Is the more moral question whether you should mess with manufacturing belonging at all?   Its a tricky question – but I can’t help but think it is a positive shift, the more communities there are that people can test out and feel less inhabited to join should result in people becoming more connected, less lonely and I think, a little bit happier.